Sixty-Five Roses

     Every year, my dad (not so much now since my siblings and I are all across the country) has carried on the tradition of individually taking my siblings and I out on a Daddy-daughter/Daddy-son date the night before our Birthdays. We are able to choose whatever we want to do, as long as it was reasonable. After a while I wondered what the meaning behind it was. He explained how he believed that when we lived with our Heavenly Father in the pre mortal life before we came to earth, He spent one-on-one time with us before our departure. Hence my dad carried on this symbolic tradition.

     I was thinking about this a few days ago--how it must have been if we were to spend that one-on-one time before what may have been an exciting yet heavy goodbye. I personally have never liked goodbyes. I also find some of the greatest pleasure in just spending alone time with those I care about--the one on one time whether it be even just going for a walk swinging on swings or sitting on a bench in good conversation. How remarkable it would have been if I were able to spend a similar type of set aside time with my Heavenly Father!

Somehow I began to think of how when we say goodbyes, we are sometimes given tokens of appreciation and love to convey the message, "Don't forget me--I'm here." Perhaps, in theory, I had a special last night with God. It would have been difficult for my Heavenly Father--who loved me for everything I was--from my quietness at times to my rambunctious spontaneity, the talents I carried (which I believe would have been dance, painting, possibly gymnastics and piano), my curly red hair which he knew would turn into a fro and every other part of me--to see me go. He wanted me to come back safely to His presence when the right time came. He wanted me to never forget Him. He wanted me to remember the strengths I was given and what I was capable of during the conflicts and challenges in mortality. As His gesture of genuine love, understanding was given. It was to be a reminder of what is most beautiful in life. It was to be a forget-me-not and a "You can do this." A beautiful bouquet of roses was given. Not six, not twelve, not even thirty, but Sixty-Five.

Now, here's more about the name "Sixty-Five Roses." It's a nickname carried on ever since a young boy overheard his mom telling of his condition to one of her friends on the phone. When she hung up, he asked, 'What's sixty-five roses?' since he could not pronounce "Cystic Fibrosis."

Cystic Fibrosis is a genetically inherited chronic illness which prohibits the CFTR proteins from opening up, preventing the transport of chloride ions and movement of water in and out of cells to function properly. This causes the mucus in the lungs and pancreas to be thicker and build up more, which can lead to infection in the airways, malabsorption of nutrients and the inability for the pancreas to produce digestive enzymes to break down food. Some patients later on develop diabetes from the pancreas being unable to produce enough insulin to regulate the body's glucose. To try to keep everything under control as much as possible, we CF patients complete lung treatments to loosen mucus in our lungs, take digestive enzymes whenever we eat to make up for what our bodies don't make, take extra vitamins that are not absorbed, exercise to increase our body's overall function and keep our lung function scores up to the best of their ability, and much more (depending on the patient.)

So...now back to my (in-theory) story I brought up...

You're probably thinking, "Well, that doesn't sound pretty to me...why are you comparing it to a bouquet of flowers God gave you? Why would He do such a thing?"

Yes, there are the ugly, unglamorous times I've had with CF. 

And that's how many experiences in life turn out to be.

Now let's take a look at Lehi's words to his son Jacob in 2 Nephi chapter 2 in the Book of Mormon:

"2  Nevertheless, Jacob, my firstborn in the wilderness, thou knowest the greatness of God; and he shall consecrate thine afflictions for thy gain."

  3 Wherefore, thy soul shall be blessed, and thou shalt dwell safely with thy brother, Nephi; and thy days shall be spent in the service of thy God. Wherefore, I know that thou art redeemed, because of the righteousness of thy Redeemer; for thou hast beheld that in the fulness of time he cometh to bring salvation unto men.

...

 11 For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, my firstborn in the wilderness, righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility.

 12 Wherefore, it must needs have been created for a thing of naught; wherefore there would have been no purpose in the end of its creation. Wherefore, this thing must needs destroy the wisdom of God and his eternal purposes, and also the power, and the mercy, and the justice of God.

 13 And if ye shall say there is no law, ye shall also say there is no sin. If ye shall say there is no sin, ye shall also say there is no righteousness. And if there be no righteousness there be no happiness. And if there be no righteousness nor happiness there be no punishment nor misery. And if these things are not there is no God. And if there is no God we are not, neither the earth; for there could have been no creation of things, neither to act nor to be acted upon; wherefore, all things must have vanished away.

 14 And now, my sons, I speak unto you these things for your profit and learning; for there is a God, and he hath created all things, both the heavens and the earth, and all things that in them are, both things to act and things to be acted upon.

 15 And to bring about his eternal purposes in the end of man, after he had created our first parents, and the beasts of the field and the fowls of the air, and in fine, all things which are created, it must needs be that there was an opposition; even the forbidden fruit in opposition to the tree of life; the one being sweet and the other bitter.

As Lehi is talking about this Eternal Law that the Savior overcame through His Atoning sacrifice, enabling us all to live again, he talks about why Adam and Eve were to partake of the fruit, even though they were commanded not to. They were commanded to "multiply and replenish the earth" and if they had not partaken of the fruit, they would not have been able to do so. In addition, we learn in verses 23-25: "they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.  24 But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things. 25 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy." (emphasis added.)

If Adam and Eve had not partaken of the fruit, they would not have known good from evil, happiness versus misery. We find ourselves in a similar position in life. We may find ourselves in the "ugly, unglamorous" stages of our lives, yet without them, we too would not know how to find joy without knowing the misery and hard times.

Sometimes we sure feel the roses' thorns. 

But when you see a rose, what does your attention draw to?

Its color. Its pleasant scent. Its beauty. 

God's large floral arrangement, as it was His "forget-me-not," has reminded me to turn to Him. Again. and again. No, Cystic Fibrosis is not the only thing that has made me turn to Him. I've still faced family struggles, countless moves, when I was cyber-bullied after a very rough time in life, dumb boy drama that comes from being a girl, the challenges that come through school and a whole lot more as it's just all part of life. Yet through all stages, this floral arrangement has reminded me again and of His love as He's helped me pull through them. There's so much more to feel and see as there's much goodness to focus on and joy to experience.

Sixty-five roses...that's something that's helped me focus on what's beautiful and meaningful in life.

Even if it also be sixty-five roses that were given to you, what has helped you to know how to see and make the most of everything?

That's all for now.

April showers, May brings flowers...like roses...like sixty-five roses. 

Let's spread this CF awareness! :)

Brave (spoiler alert!)

Today I just had the chance to see Brave, and I loved it! I think it might just be on my top Disney/Pixar list now. I loved the characters (not to mention Merida's hair reminds me of mine after waking up), and the story line, quotes throughout the it, and the moral of the movie had struck me hard.

In my mind my hair is as curly as hers (and today it was a little more tame), and I almost stood on the other side of the cut-out, but then I realized it would have looked like she was shooting me in the head, and someone would have probably posted it on Failblog. It's an awkward pic but I wanted to capture the curly red-headed epicness.

I usually do not talk about my future, but I think about it a lot, and whether I will be accepted because of the challenges I have faced, yet at the same time, I don't want to rush into things because many others' have certain blessings happen sooner because it may have been the right time for them. I think about my mission on this earth, and how often times it seems to, in a way, contradict with what is often taught here at Byu. So ok, I know this may be cheesy, but I will come out and mention it. In Brave, (I know it's not the main message, but I'll get to that in a sec), Merida was forced to marry someone almost instantly, and felt peer pressure from the tradition, but felt it wasn't time. Sometimes I feel this way at Byu, where I feel that my mission often contradicts the lessons on dating and marriage--mainly timing. Yes, those are important, but I honestly don't know when it's supposed to happen, so I'm just trying to leave it in the Lord's hands as I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to. I've been told through certain ways that it will happen eventually, but it has sounded like it's not the most important thing for me right now (and for some people it is--I'm not trying to discourage or make different choices because everyone is different). While watching Brave, I felt that I could relate to Merida a little more and even had tears come to my eyes, as if an answer to my desires, when the queen said something like "It's ok, it will happen at the right time."

Ok, ok!! Cheesy soap message is over with! Even more than that, I admired the message of how pride can destroy families, and even more than that, I loved the main message on how we can change our fate. After watching the movie, I've thought about how my fate can be determined by how I take care of myself. Cystic Fibrosis requires a lot of bravery at times and constant responsibility. I could eat processed food all the time like "the average college student" and skip the homemade meals, fruits, and veggies, I could say, "I'm too tired to run or lift weights,"  "This medication tastes terrible!", "This pill is so small, so why take it?", "Max (the lax) tastes nasty and grainy" "This vest isn't getting much mucous up," along with many other excuses, but they all will determine my "fate." Even though Merida is a fictional character who faced much tougher decisions, we all have small decisions that can determine how our lives will play out.

So, the question is, "If you had the chance to change your fate, would you?"

Not Too Shabby

Today I had a Dr.'s appt with my new GI doc at the "adult clinic" to see what we can continue to do about some stomach and digestion complications. Good news is, there could be scar tissue from the G-tube removal a couple of years ago, but there's no way it could be significant enough to completely hold up my digestion. So now it's just continuing taking the meds and if another new medication doesn't work, then there's more testing to be done (which is unlikely because most of this is common for CF and the meds should work.)

I also had some lab work that needed to be done. I remembered the times as a kid, when my stubborn self would absolutely detest getting blood work done because of how my veins collapse whenever they try to draw blood. It wasn't only my mind refusing, but my veins were too. So when I had the lab work done today, I knew what was going to happen, and the lab nurses were a little worried when they had to keep poking since hardly any blood was coming out. However, I believe they were more worried than I was. As always, I would tell them, "that vein looks too small, try another." Today at the adult clinic they were understanding and would listen if they saw it was too small. As they continued poking though, I was glad that I hardly felt each one.After remembering the times as a kid where it would hurt too much or I became so tired of being poked, this time I felt completely fine.

At times I felt like a horse being broken in, especially as when I was a kid and refused to do a lot of things that I should have done. However, there are experiences that make us stronger. After four pokes today, they finally were able to get the lab work needed, but it honestly didn't feel bad. During the half hour I felt calm as each minute ticked. I was thinking it was only blood, only one more poke. After all, I felt lucky as I have things pretty easy. I was a little surprised to find that this lab draw wasn't bad at all. I read a quote recently that I feel fits: "Strength doesn't come from what you can do. It comes from overcoming the things you once thought you couldn't."

  

Don't Worry, Be Happy :)

How can I even express my gratitude for what happened today? It seems impossible.
I hardly ever cry from pure happiness, but I did this morning.

Once again, just like how I did last summer, I received an email stating I had a new message in my Byu financial center. I was thinking "Well, I hope it's not another fee that I need to pay." But if it was, I knew there was not much I could do about it but pay it off, so I decided that I might as well sign into my school financial account to read the message.

There was the title: Dean of Students Enriched Environment Scholarship

I opened up the message and stared at it. It couldn't be. It absolutely couldn't be.

Dear Rachel, The Dean of Students is pleased to grant you an Enriched Environment Scholarship  as detailed below: Then the amount was listed for both semesters--full tuition. I continued staring, until I burst into tears. Let me tell you, I usually don't find myself crying over pure joy. One of my first thoughts was, How? The notice for the scholarship last year pretty much said it was a one-time deal only for that year. After the school year, the office wanted me to email them, explaining how my scholarship helped me during the school year, my experiences at Byu, lessons I have learned, and my current standing academically and financially. I was honest with everything, explaining how this last year has been very challenging academically, emotionally, physically,  socially, and financially, but how my experiences have strengthened me spiritually, making the year a wonderful experience and I wouldn't trade any of it for anything. The email explained that the scholarship is usually a one-time deal, and that my explanation would help them determine which students would receive the same scholarship for next year, and I was more than happy to help. However, I did not expect at all my response to let them change their mind about this scholarship being one-time deal. With all this in mind, I am so glad to hear I can go to school again next year. My prayers were answered. The load of worry about how to pay for everything, at  least for now, has been lifted. This upcoming school year, I am going to try to raise my Gpa a little more and gain more experience to be more eligible for private and school scholarships later down the road. After seeing and being exposed to people getting into serious debt, and I know that student loans are often considered "ok" or "an emergency," I am going to avoid it at all costs for as long as possible until I reach graduate school. In addition, I'm alright now that my disability income case was terminated. I'm fine with working a little to save up, but now I feel relieved that if I can receive financial aid, I can now pay for both tuition and rent. I still feel inadequate for receiving this scholarship from the Dean of Students, a job from them, and then the scholarship once more. I'm not bragging, but am trying to bring up a point in one of my favorite scriptures: Alma 26:12. As we live with faith and rely on the Lord's strength, even whenall seems as if it's about to crash, there is hope in each day and in the future.

Art Talk

     We had a wonderful lesson in church today. The lady that talked shared how important it is to simplify our lives. She reminded us of Uchdorf''s talk during the last General Conference in October about the things that matter most. I started to feel very guilty and knew I had to simplify my life, and tried to ask myself how I could make my life easier in some ways. In Uchdorf's talk he said how we can simplify our lives. That is, by seeking the things that matter most, which usually revolve around improving our relationships with our God, our families, people around us, and ourselves. There is beauty all around and sometimes we just need to sit back and acknowledge God's creations, and most importantly we need to think about what matters most in life.
     In the lesson she told about how she is taking these art classes, and showed us a painting that she painted. Her art teacher instructed her to only paint the simple parts of the picture, especially where the light hit. He taught how important it was to capture the light in the paintings. When I took painting I learned this as well, with how the lit portions of the pictures can make the whole difference. This is similar to our lives, with how we need to focus on the simple things and where the light hits. The light in our lives can change things around so much, so we need to strive to focus on what is good and important by focusing on being like the savior, our blessings, caring for others, and beauty around.
     So anyways, there's my cheesy Sunday message :) I'm now ready to take a Sunday nap! :)